he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
