What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
