I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I did not marry a roomba.
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