Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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