Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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