You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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