dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
