I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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