I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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