Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
