I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
