It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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