Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
