apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
