So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
