The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
