guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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