$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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