I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
