just tell him i said nine months
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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