Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
