So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
