I can't watch pbs sober anymore
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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