I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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