woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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