I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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