Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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