Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
