4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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