A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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