I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
