I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
