Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize