Don't you send me to vm
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
