new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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