ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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