I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
