i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
