oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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