my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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