at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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