An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Vodka?
Forever.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize