I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i was born a porn star she said
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And then my night got REAL pukey
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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