Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
