i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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