Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
