She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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