Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
