I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize