She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
