apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I stole a fireplace last night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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