ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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