There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
