Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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