I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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