And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
