a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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