you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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