I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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