He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
