I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
