just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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