She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my nose is crying tears of wow.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
