How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize