College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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