Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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