I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
