After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
