So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize