Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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