i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
