I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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