If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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