my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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